I think we should be friends...who fuck on occasion.

Dear friends who fuck,

The continuum on which friends and people we can date exist can often be precarious. Basic rule of proximity would suggest that we surround ourselves with like minded individuals, people who share similar interests, attitudes and temperaments. To put into simpler terms we are friends with people we like, not to be confused with the all important 'like' like, but that will be explored later on. Keeping this in mind if we are friends with people we like what is it that keeps us from merely liking people as friends and not as lovers. If your friends possess all the likable qualities in an individual, those same qualities that cause you to want to call them, invite them out or spend 'quality' time with what keeps them from being out of contention for being the all important 'more then friends'? This is the crisis of conscience that we all face thoughout our 'friending' careers. In some cases the situation is beyond our control for example our friend is dating someone, and therefore off limits. Or in other situations there just might be a lack of sexual spark which helps place that person snugly between being an 'ugly fat friend' or that guy with the 'great personality'. But there are those few occasions when our friends despite all there obvious undateable flaws can't help but be attractive to us, it is these kind of scenarios that help to fuel dangerous yearnings and lead to the ill named 'fuck-buddy'.

By definition 'fuck-buddy' would suggest that a relationships exists in the hazy area between friends and lovers. Really what it means is 'you are my friend, that I like to have sex with'. The only thing from this type of arrangement that keeps it from becoming something perceivably (not a real word) more substantial is the all important 'feelings'. In these type of relationships it is very important that neither party feels anything more then a penis, vagina, finger, lips or other device for sexual satisfaction. It is these very naive assumptions that 'fuck buddies' are built on that are also their downfall. For most people, not all, sexual intimacy is more then just the interlocking of two bodies (insert, thrust, repeat), sex by nature is about being comfortable, with yourself and your desires. The more sexually adventurous of our kind that has no qualms about having sex with random people would argue 'hey it is just sex'. We call these people sluts. I myself need not pass judgment on these sluts, I myself have been a slut once or seven times in my life but it is these free-wheeling sexual daredevils that cause the problems in the world. Why you ask? Karma would suggest that for every yin there is a yang, or an opposing force for lack of a better analogy. This said, for every slut, there is a person who believes sex should be with someone special. Sadly, for most people it is not this black and white and this is where the 'fuck-buddy' scenario becomes problematic.

We all know the glaring problem that arises with having sex with someone who is a friend. Inevitably, someone always wants something more. This is the direct result of the sex being good, if the sex was bad the whole situation could be laughed off and put into the same category as all those other silly ill conceived hookups we had before. Bad sex we forget, good sex we remember. The situation is further exasperated because not only has this person proven to be a quality individual someone you can hang out with they now can also make you cum. TROUBLE! That same hazy line between friends and lovers has now vanished and one if not both parties become confused as to what to do now. If the the differentiation between friends and lovers is difficult so is the line between monogamy and commitment. Everyone fears the question of 'what are we now?' because it would suggest that either we are something more or we have totally blurred the the depth of what was otherwise a perfectly good relationship.

Once people have reached this point in the 'fuck-buddy' situation there are really three ways it can go. Either a) you decide to pursue a more 'traditional relationship' and date b) you cut off the person completely and negate all the past friendship you had built previous or c) you realize that you were friends first and foremost and this diversion was really a case of temporary dick-sanity and you go back to being 'just friends'. Is it possible to close Pandora's box once it's been opened? I like to believe for the most part we live in a rational world, although affairs of the heart are often marked by their lack of rationale. It is important to keep in mind, that for whatever reason we make a conscious decision to be friends and friends only with people. Hormones notwithstanding there are obvious variables that keep a person off our radar for the most part. It is important to keep in mind that good sex does not a relationship make. And all those things we perceived previous to the busting of nuts must be evaluated. There is a reason that friends and people we date exist on a continuum. We like friends in varying degrees just like we like some of the people we date far more then others. It really comes back to the old adage of 'friends are forever, while lovers are brief', if the foundations for a real friendship have really been laid (pun intended) then this brief dalliance can be overlooked. In the end if you can't be friends after you fuck then you probably were never really friends in the first place.

xoxo
S.A.M