Hey man, so yeah I totally wanna bang your friend is that cool?

Dear people who bring out their hot friends,

Anyone who has ever seen National Geographic footage of Piranhas has seen what happens when a piece of meat is introduced to a pool of hungry voracious predators. The feeding frenzy that occurs is almost instantaneous, Piranhas by nature are scavengers ready to eat whatever is put in front of them be it a piece of beef, a baby's arm or that chick with the tramp stamp that gave you a handjob during spring break. What we can learn from this horrific excuse for an allegory is that much like the Piranhas people can often become predators when a friend introduces someone attractive to the group.

The problem with befriending attractive people whether they are a 'person of interest' or not is that once you introduce them to your friends they immediately find themselves up for discussion. What follows is a barrage of 'so who's your friend's and 'so what's the deal with you two's that can be instantly obnoxious particularly if you yourself haven't decided what if anything is going on between you two. The positive thing that can arise out of these situations is that it is exactly these type of pointed questions directed squarely at the vague nature of your relationship that might force you to decide what if anything this new person means to you.

If you are bringing someone new into your group of friends that you are 'seeing' casually, constantly or regularly then it pretty much places a big 'hands off' stamp on their foreheads. While this stamp is invisible to the naked eye, the eye that is fully clothed should recognize that it is your place to keep conversations 'lite' with this new individual. Regardless of whatever 'spark' you may think you have with this person until clarification has been made to the contrary to you this person must be considered a sexual leper.

We gays like to think that just because our friends 'hot friend' is nice to us then clearly we have begun the machinations that will lead to nudity, coarse language and awkward attempts at BDSM. This is not often the case, believe it or not sometimes people are just genuinely friendly, like a priest who doesn't molest children. But because of the heightened sexual nature of gay friendships we immediately go into 'friend or fuck' mode. To avoid further confusion I'd like to propose some ground rules for seamlessly introducing a hot friend to your group:

1. Make it clear that while your friend is obviously hot he is way too hot to deal with any of your friends.

2. Ensure that at no point is your 'hot friend' trapped in a close proximity conversation with that really slutty friend of yours. Sluts like cats are distracted by shiny objects. Use this to your advantage.

3. Before you introduce your new friend to the group make sure your friends are under the assumption that while you haven't hooked up yet this new friend is the point of contact to a group of even more attractive friends then the ones you already have.

4. Most importantly always keep in mind that regardless of the outcome in the event your 'hot friend' does manage to take a shine towards one of your friends the situation is out of your hands. There is nothing worse then beating yourself up over losing out on this. Besides, in the end you know you'll end up having a threeway anyways.

xoxo
S.A.M