Dear nice guys,

The oldest complaint in the book has to be 'why can't I find a NICE guy'? It's as if no matter how hard we try to seek out these elusive creatures we can't seem to land our proverbial hooks in one. The reality is that there are NICE guys everywhere, and no matter how we try to rationalize it by saying 'sure they are out there but they are either already in a relationship, or straight/gay or dead' they do exist, unlike the unicorn, assuming unicorns don't exist. So if they do exist and they are ready, willing and able to sweep us jaded individuals off our feet then why aren't they? The reason is simple: because they are fucking boring!

I apologize first and foremost to all those self identified nice guys out there for the aforementioned statement. I don't apologize for it being true (because it is) but I'm sorry for the fact that in this world being nice doesn't get the kind of
positive attention it really should. There is a big difference between being a good-doer and being a nice guy, for example the host of extreme makeover: home edition does good buy building homes for families that are burdened by some hardship (flood, disability, financial woes, etc) in his private life he was busted for a DUI. Good-doer, not nice guy. Nice guys are mainly genuinely pleasant people that do things innately from a sense of selflessness because they are 'JUST LIKE THAT'. I wish I could give you the mechanics of why but sadly they are just inexplicable to us and always will be because really, we're not that nice.

The reality of the situation is as follows: as much as we often complain about not being able to 'find a nice guy' when we do cross paths with one we always manage to mess it up. Why is this? I think in the end there is a small part of all of us that loves a 'bad boy', the kind of guy that doesn't return calls, never says anything nice but fucks the shit out of you till you have nail marks embedded in your headboard. It is as if all the positive attention that we've received from nice guy doesn't amount to shit when they can't turn our cranks, like a crank need to be turned, mine goes counter-clockwise but that is neither here nor there.

Nice guys are attentive, but really maybe I don't need someone who hangs onto every word I say, half the time I don't even listen to myself. Nice guys are thoughtful, but often I find that there is something creepy about someone who remembers all
the 'important milestones' in a relationship. Do you really think I gave a fuck about the day we first kiss? I was drunk and you were there, let it go! Nice guys are not out to hurt you, but inevitably you end up hurting them, and then feel bad
about it because they are so nice! Who the fuck needs that kind of guilt. It would be simple to tell nice guys to just stop being nice but that would go against years of programming that taught them to say please and thank you, open doors for old
people and not kick pan-handlers but here's a few tips for all you nice guys out there:

-when someone tells you they really like how you listen what they are really saying is thank you for listening to me blah blah blah about myself. If they are not asking about you it's because they don't care. So make them split the cheque.

-if your partner thanks you for being so thoughtful for sending flowers on your anniversary what they are likely thinking is if he can make time to buy me flowers why can't he make time show up during my lunch break and fuck me in the office bathroom.

-the next time your partner tells you that they feel safe in your arms, use that time to mention that attractive co-worker of yours that they are all insecure about and how they said how sexy you were looking at work today. Safety does not mean
doormat, make them work for you love.

-finally when someone can't come up with a better adjective then to tell you that you are really nice, what they are really saying is that they can't imagine you ever defiling there bodies in an unchristian way.

So to all you nice guys out there, I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. The world needs more of you, to be honest, yeah I don't like opening my own door, or paying for my meal and frankly yeah I could get use to getting footrubs but if you really want to be able to survive in this dating playground you are going to have to learn to toughen up. No one likes a keener and for all your nice qualities, you lack that spark which really tells me that you could do better then me.

xoxo
S.A.M