Dear nice guys,

The oldest complaint in the book has to be 'why can't I find a NICE guy'? It's as if no matter how hard we try to seek out these elusive creatures we can't seem to land our proverbial hooks in one. The reality is that there are NICE guys everywhere, and no matter how we try to rationalize it by saying 'sure they are out there but they are either already in a relationship, or straight/gay or dead' they do exist, unlike the unicorn, assuming unicorns don't exist. So if they do exist and they are ready, willing and able to sweep us jaded individuals off our feet then why aren't they? The reason is simple: because they are fucking boring!

I apologize first and foremost to all those self identified nice guys out there for the aforementioned statement. I don't apologize for it being true (because it is) but I'm sorry for the fact that in this world being nice doesn't get the kind of
positive attention it really should. There is a big difference between being a good-doer and being a nice guy, for example the host of extreme makeover: home edition does good buy building homes for families that are burdened by some hardship (flood, disability, financial woes, etc) in his private life he was busted for a DUI. Good-doer, not nice guy. Nice guys are mainly genuinely pleasant people that do things innately from a sense of selflessness because they are 'JUST LIKE THAT'. I wish I could give you the mechanics of why but sadly they are just inexplicable to us and always will be because really, we're not that nice.

The reality of the situation is as follows: as much as we often complain about not being able to 'find a nice guy' when we do cross paths with one we always manage to mess it up. Why is this? I think in the end there is a small part of all of us that loves a 'bad boy', the kind of guy that doesn't return calls, never says anything nice but fucks the shit out of you till you have nail marks embedded in your headboard. It is as if all the positive attention that we've received from nice guy doesn't amount to shit when they can't turn our cranks, like a crank need to be turned, mine goes counter-clockwise but that is neither here nor there.

Nice guys are attentive, but really maybe I don't need someone who hangs onto every word I say, half the time I don't even listen to myself. Nice guys are thoughtful, but often I find that there is something creepy about someone who remembers all
the 'important milestones' in a relationship. Do you really think I gave a fuck about the day we first kiss? I was drunk and you were there, let it go! Nice guys are not out to hurt you, but inevitably you end up hurting them, and then feel bad
about it because they are so nice! Who the fuck needs that kind of guilt. It would be simple to tell nice guys to just stop being nice but that would go against years of programming that taught them to say please and thank you, open doors for old
people and not kick pan-handlers but here's a few tips for all you nice guys out there:

-when someone tells you they really like how you listen what they are really saying is thank you for listening to me blah blah blah about myself. If they are not asking about you it's because they don't care. So make them split the cheque.

-if your partner thanks you for being so thoughtful for sending flowers on your anniversary what they are likely thinking is if he can make time to buy me flowers why can't he make time show up during my lunch break and fuck me in the office bathroom.

-the next time your partner tells you that they feel safe in your arms, use that time to mention that attractive co-worker of yours that they are all insecure about and how they said how sexy you were looking at work today. Safety does not mean
doormat, make them work for you love.

-finally when someone can't come up with a better adjective then to tell you that you are really nice, what they are really saying is that they can't imagine you ever defiling there bodies in an unchristian way.

So to all you nice guys out there, I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. The world needs more of you, to be honest, yeah I don't like opening my own door, or paying for my meal and frankly yeah I could get use to getting footrubs but if you really want to be able to survive in this dating playground you are going to have to learn to toughen up. No one likes a keener and for all your nice qualities, you lack that spark which really tells me that you could do better then me.

xoxo
S.A.M

Hey man, so yeah I totally wanna bang your friend is that cool?

Dear people who bring out their hot friends,

Anyone who has ever seen National Geographic footage of Piranhas has seen what happens when a piece of meat is introduced to a pool of hungry voracious predators. The feeding frenzy that occurs is almost instantaneous, Piranhas by nature are scavengers ready to eat whatever is put in front of them be it a piece of beef, a baby's arm or that chick with the tramp stamp that gave you a handjob during spring break. What we can learn from this horrific excuse for an allegory is that much like the Piranhas people can often become predators when a friend introduces someone attractive to the group.

The problem with befriending attractive people whether they are a 'person of interest' or not is that once you introduce them to your friends they immediately find themselves up for discussion. What follows is a barrage of 'so who's your friend's and 'so what's the deal with you two's that can be instantly obnoxious particularly if you yourself haven't decided what if anything is going on between you two. The positive thing that can arise out of these situations is that it is exactly these type of pointed questions directed squarely at the vague nature of your relationship that might force you to decide what if anything this new person means to you.

If you are bringing someone new into your group of friends that you are 'seeing' casually, constantly or regularly then it pretty much places a big 'hands off' stamp on their foreheads. While this stamp is invisible to the naked eye, the eye that is fully clothed should recognize that it is your place to keep conversations 'lite' with this new individual. Regardless of whatever 'spark' you may think you have with this person until clarification has been made to the contrary to you this person must be considered a sexual leper.

We gays like to think that just because our friends 'hot friend' is nice to us then clearly we have begun the machinations that will lead to nudity, coarse language and awkward attempts at BDSM. This is not often the case, believe it or not sometimes people are just genuinely friendly, like a priest who doesn't molest children. But because of the heightened sexual nature of gay friendships we immediately go into 'friend or fuck' mode. To avoid further confusion I'd like to propose some ground rules for seamlessly introducing a hot friend to your group:

1. Make it clear that while your friend is obviously hot he is way too hot to deal with any of your friends.

2. Ensure that at no point is your 'hot friend' trapped in a close proximity conversation with that really slutty friend of yours. Sluts like cats are distracted by shiny objects. Use this to your advantage.

3. Before you introduce your new friend to the group make sure your friends are under the assumption that while you haven't hooked up yet this new friend is the point of contact to a group of even more attractive friends then the ones you already have.

4. Most importantly always keep in mind that regardless of the outcome in the event your 'hot friend' does manage to take a shine towards one of your friends the situation is out of your hands. There is nothing worse then beating yourself up over losing out on this. Besides, in the end you know you'll end up having a threeway anyways.

xoxo
S.A.M

I think we should be friends...who fuck on occasion.

Dear friends who fuck,

The continuum on which friends and people we can date exist can often be precarious. Basic rule of proximity would suggest that we surround ourselves with like minded individuals, people who share similar interests, attitudes and temperaments. To put into simpler terms we are friends with people we like, not to be confused with the all important 'like' like, but that will be explored later on. Keeping this in mind if we are friends with people we like what is it that keeps us from merely liking people as friends and not as lovers. If your friends possess all the likable qualities in an individual, those same qualities that cause you to want to call them, invite them out or spend 'quality' time with what keeps them from being out of contention for being the all important 'more then friends'? This is the crisis of conscience that we all face thoughout our 'friending' careers. In some cases the situation is beyond our control for example our friend is dating someone, and therefore off limits. Or in other situations there just might be a lack of sexual spark which helps place that person snugly between being an 'ugly fat friend' or that guy with the 'great personality'. But there are those few occasions when our friends despite all there obvious undateable flaws can't help but be attractive to us, it is these kind of scenarios that help to fuel dangerous yearnings and lead to the ill named 'fuck-buddy'.

By definition 'fuck-buddy' would suggest that a relationships exists in the hazy area between friends and lovers. Really what it means is 'you are my friend, that I like to have sex with'. The only thing from this type of arrangement that keeps it from becoming something perceivably (not a real word) more substantial is the all important 'feelings'. In these type of relationships it is very important that neither party feels anything more then a penis, vagina, finger, lips or other device for sexual satisfaction. It is these very naive assumptions that 'fuck buddies' are built on that are also their downfall. For most people, not all, sexual intimacy is more then just the interlocking of two bodies (insert, thrust, repeat), sex by nature is about being comfortable, with yourself and your desires. The more sexually adventurous of our kind that has no qualms about having sex with random people would argue 'hey it is just sex'. We call these people sluts. I myself need not pass judgment on these sluts, I myself have been a slut once or seven times in my life but it is these free-wheeling sexual daredevils that cause the problems in the world. Why you ask? Karma would suggest that for every yin there is a yang, or an opposing force for lack of a better analogy. This said, for every slut, there is a person who believes sex should be with someone special. Sadly, for most people it is not this black and white and this is where the 'fuck-buddy' scenario becomes problematic.

We all know the glaring problem that arises with having sex with someone who is a friend. Inevitably, someone always wants something more. This is the direct result of the sex being good, if the sex was bad the whole situation could be laughed off and put into the same category as all those other silly ill conceived hookups we had before. Bad sex we forget, good sex we remember. The situation is further exasperated because not only has this person proven to be a quality individual someone you can hang out with they now can also make you cum. TROUBLE! That same hazy line between friends and lovers has now vanished and one if not both parties become confused as to what to do now. If the the differentiation between friends and lovers is difficult so is the line between monogamy and commitment. Everyone fears the question of 'what are we now?' because it would suggest that either we are something more or we have totally blurred the the depth of what was otherwise a perfectly good relationship.

Once people have reached this point in the 'fuck-buddy' situation there are really three ways it can go. Either a) you decide to pursue a more 'traditional relationship' and date b) you cut off the person completely and negate all the past friendship you had built previous or c) you realize that you were friends first and foremost and this diversion was really a case of temporary dick-sanity and you go back to being 'just friends'. Is it possible to close Pandora's box once it's been opened? I like to believe for the most part we live in a rational world, although affairs of the heart are often marked by their lack of rationale. It is important to keep in mind, that for whatever reason we make a conscious decision to be friends and friends only with people. Hormones notwithstanding there are obvious variables that keep a person off our radar for the most part. It is important to keep in mind that good sex does not a relationship make. And all those things we perceived previous to the busting of nuts must be evaluated. There is a reason that friends and people we date exist on a continuum. We like friends in varying degrees just like we like some of the people we date far more then others. It really comes back to the old adage of 'friends are forever, while lovers are brief', if the foundations for a real friendship have really been laid (pun intended) then this brief dalliance can be overlooked. In the end if you can't be friends after you fuck then you probably were never really friends in the first place.

xoxo
S.A.M

Rules and Regs of internet dating

Dear people of the internet,

The social networking phenomenon is equal parts social revolution and complete degradation of human interaction. It's great that we can talk, flirt, reject and love people all from the comfort of our computer chairs. Apparently we as a society have become so busy that it is nearly impossible to meet people in the 'real world' so we have retreated to the comfort of the world wide web to embark on this search for love. For those of us not fortunate to be able to have a reality show to find our rock/flavor of love the internet has given us the means to riffle through the 'available' people of our respective cities at a breakneck pace. Personally I have met some amazing people off the internet, I can shamelessly say that I have profiles on several gay 'dating' sites and while most of the people on there are looking to get off some are actually decent human beings. Again, Some, not all.

I find it interesting that even the hetero community has embraced internet dating as an acceptable method for meeting people. For us gays, the internet provided a safe space where we could explore our curiosities without fear of being rejected by that 'straight guy at the club'. It is also a great way of getting a feel for people without having to go through the whole 'actual date' process of getting to know you. How much easier is it having an hour long internet conversation then actually going out and talking face to face with someone for the same amount of time? If you're bored you can put on music, watch some TV, eat some candy all while feigning complete involvement in a conversation. Multi-taskers dream!

On the other hand it completely negates all the subtleties that you can receive from real 'face time', seeing the other persons expressions, hearing the tone and inflection in another persons voice. These elements are probably the most important factor in deciding if you have any real 'chemistry'. Maybe I am just old school but I kind miss the 'organic' nature of finding love. If love is truly a chemical reaction that boils inside us when we meet that special person doesn't the internet serve as the complete antithesis to this process? Maybe, I always found it really weird when people say they have developed feelings for someone they have never met in real life.

If love is a battlefield then the internet has become our battle ground. And with any war that has been waged specific stratagem and 'rules of engagement' must be followed. That said I propose a few ground rules for those who decide to participate in this form of sexy warfare:

1. Be yourself - one of the first things a gay guy asks for when engaging in internet flirting is your 'stats'. This is their way of really asking are you old, short, fat or have a small penis. Under the guise of 'stats' we are allowed to form a picture of what this person looks like. More often than not people are NEVER how they describe themselves. In fairness it does give you an approximation of how the person is. General rule of thumb, it is best to give a 10 pound or 1 inch leeway in all descriptions. We've all been disappointed to many times.

2. Be honest about what you want - there is nothing more obnoxious then being 3 sentences into a conversation when the person asks 'so what are you looking for?'. Most time people are 'looking for' something to alleviate their current boredom, but sometimes conversations lead to something more substantial. My stock answer to this is always 'I'm not sure', while to some this may appear to be indecisiveness it is actually a calculated way of really saying 'let me decide if I actually wanna talk to you'.

3. If you think someone is cool don't hesitate - my favorite people I have met off the internet are those I have met immediately after having our first internet conversation. If someone is cool on the net then they are probably cool in real life. Not so fast. This is why I like to do an obligatory first contact phone call when someone seems interesting. That way you can figure out if they can carry a convo outside of the keyboard. I just never understood why people carry on conversations weeks at a time without ever meeting in real life. ABSENCE DOES NOT MAKE MY HEART GROW FONDER!

The internet is a great place to 'meet' people In this day and age of disposable dating it's provided a safe easy way of rifling through all the garbage people out there. At the same time it has made it that much harder keeping people interest with the next available date is at the click of a button. The key here is to stay true to who you are and treat people the same way that you want to be treated. It is easy to be dismissive the block/delete function of msn is just an icon away from eliminating a person from your life. Keep in mind that dating will always be hard, even if the internet has created a more convenient way of getting our fix.

XOXO
S.A.M